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May 09, 2023

Hell is the sound of other people chewing popcorn. Still, you can’t keep me away from the cinema

As a film-lover who suffers from misophonia, slurping and rustling noises are

As a film-lover who suffers from misophonia, slurping and rustling noises are something I endure. Just don't dare pull out your phone

One of the things I missed most during Covid lockdowns was going to the cinema. I’m not a film snob by any stretch of the imagination. I have seen all five Final Destinations on the big screen (and am still scared of trucks carrying logs) but I love going. I especially love going on a Monday or a Tuesday, which is when I can afford to go without having to cut out and sell my own kidneys as if I’m in Saw (movie reference).

I’ve started to regularly go to see movies again and I have been feeling genuinely joyful every time I slide into my pre-assigned seat. There's something so exciting about being back at the big screen, the quiet anticipation you only get at the cinema. There's something so delicious about popcorn that has been marked up 3,000%. There's something so thrilling about ordering a large container of weak postmix that is so expensive candy bars should have a sommelier to let you sample the Mountain Dew before buying.

I love the entire process. Only one thing can ruin it for me. Well, many things, but one general kind of thing – other people.

I have written about my misophonia before. It is testament to my love of going to the cinema that I am willing to put myself through the torture that is seeing a film with other people. There's the rustling of a hand pawing at popcorn, the chewing, the lolly packets and my most dreaded – someone nearby eating a packet of chips. Even though those things trigger my misophonia and make it hard for me (I usually try to go to quiet sessions), they are just normal movie things done by normal people.

None of these make me as furious as inconsiderate moviegoers. I am forever baffled and irritated by people who come to the cinema to talk. If you want to hang out with your friend and have a conversation for two hours, why not try going to a place that is designed for that, such as almost any other venue in the world.

It's not just noise. A few weeks ago we went to see the new Super Mario Bros 3D (not a movie snob). I was prepared for many loud children doing all sorts of things, as is their right, and that doesn't bother me. It also doesn't bother me when teenagers are rambunctious – if I’m watching the same movie as a teenager, I am legally obligated to put up with them having an annoying and fun time.

What does bother me are grown adults being inconsiderate, such as the dad a few seats away from us at Super Mario who was on his phone the entire time. I don't think he glanced at the movie once, and his phone screen lit up every 30 seconds – especially annoying in a 3D movie with the light reflecting on the inside of my glasses (yes I am an adult). A few days after that, a friend of mine posted an Instagram shot of a dad in her session of the same movie ON HIS LAPTOP.

No. This is unacceptable. We have forgotten how to behave at the cinema, and it's time for us all to get An Education (movie reference).

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In fact, I actually don't think going back to how we were before is acceptable. I feel more now than ever that going to the movies is special, and it should be treated with more respect. If I ever get filthy rich, or become Lord of the World or whatever, I will be opening a (probably money-losing) cinema that caters to my needs and the needs of people like me. The annoyed. The whingers. The people swivelling their heads around pointlessly in the dark to death-stare a fellow moviegoer who dared make a mouth sound.

There will be many rules at this cinema. There will be no arriving late, disrupting the film immersion experience with your stage-whispered "F, it's row F". There will be surly lesbians at the doors who will firmly yet gently block your entrance if you haven't arrived on time. I will refund you though (money-losing). There will be none of your precious chips. Popcorn and other delicious foods will be allowed, dependent on factors such as package noise. We will innovate in that field, because I would never deny anyone the vital "delicious treatie" part of the moviegoing experience.

Behaviour is where I am going to be the most strict. Not only will there be the usual employees to keep an eye on things, with night vision goggles, not pathetic little torches, there will also be the cinema equivalent of a sky marshal in each session. The sky marshal will have permission to embarrass or ask you to leave if you talk an inappropriate amount, or to avoid distracting others, will simply press a button and have your seat silently eject you through the ceiling. They will not be able to use lethal force unless you answer your phone while the movie is going. I am not a monster, of course some talking is necessary and allowed during the movies, such as a soft quick whisper three to five times across a two-hour movie (there will be someone keeping track). Some movies will have "fun" sessions where you are allowed to have fun. I saw M3gan with a room full of loud and boisterous and annoying (gay) people, and it was one of the best times I’ve had watching a movie in years.

All I’m asking for is behaviour appropriate to the film. For example, if we are watching something like Portrait of a Lady on Fire, and there is a 12-minute scene where two French lesbians are walking along a beach quietly and looking longingly at each other, it's probably not the time to tuck into your big bag of chips apparently made with a new kind of louder potato.

Let's all just be normal. Be nice. Let me get lost in the movie, for once. My dream is not about suppressing the joy of going to the cinema, it is about enhancing the experience for everyone. But mostly me. So I’ll see you at the movies! But hopefully I will not hear you.

Rebecca Shaw is a writer based in Sydney